What should I be able to do with my horses? Should we be able to perform a lot of tricks and exercises?
Why do I become stressed that I will not be ‘good enough’? Good enough for who?
More than once I have caught myself in the act of becoming stressed because I didn’t feel like I could do enough with my horses. That I hadn’t taught them enough things. That I wasn’t serious enough about my training with them. That we couldn’t perform anything spectacular that made us stand out from the crowd. Where did school halts, classical bows or impressive rears go? Afterwards I started wondering why I became so stressed about all of this… Where did such high expectations to myself come from and why did I ever get to a point of bad concience for not being or doing enough? It is not like anyone ever pointed out that things are like this, but my inner voice sure does now and then.
The truth is that my horses are with me and I am with them because I love them. Because I enjoy being with them. I pay for them myself (with a little help from my parents) and I have absolutely nothing I need to do with them except from what I want to do. Yet I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough or I am not able to perform enough with them. Nobody is asking anything of me, but either way I am hit by the feeling of “I need to get myself together and concentrate. I need to perform. I need to master something special. I need to stand out by being able to DO SOMETHING.”.
I and many other people online these days are constantly blown away by photos or videos of people doing one amazing thing with their horses after another. I am in the exact same place myself and every time I am watching one of these mind-blowing features I get hit by the feeling I have been talking about. The feeling that I am lacking behind and need to get more serious about it all. And why is that? Most likely because we live in a world where you get noticed if you are good at DOING SOMETHING. So how will I ever be noticed or be anything at all if I don’t do so too? Of course it is not as black and white as just stated, but when you get too caught up in your own thoughts it sure feels that way once in a while.
It might sounds weird, but one of the biggest dreams in my life is to be able to be with my horses in complete harmony. No expectations. No stress. No pressure. No corrections. What do I want instead? More peace. More understanding. More guiding. More freedom. When I sit down and really think about it I always end up with the same conclusion. Actually I don’t have a need to be able to do all these fancy things. It would and could be awesome of course, but if I never go there I would be okay with that. All the fancy stuff is not what I am longing after, but instead I am hunting the little moments of harmony and togetherness. It seems to me right now that all the fancy stuff would only be a bonus. Not the final goal…
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